happy new year !

nothing will beat two years ago though. ever ever.

two years ago. best friend, favourite band, hotel rooms, new years kisses.

being tackled onto the bed in your hotel room, by your favourite guitarist, and him saying he hasn't got his new years kiss yet. probably the best new years moment ever. 

new years is always a let down now. 

just because of that night.

i miss it so much.

i miss my favourite band so much.

thank god for my friends.

the hardest days became the best days. 

all because i found the greatest friends. 

they helped me get through it all.

it was still hard, but it became easier.

and so, thank you. for everything.

ps. i sort of love team yellow? 

well, okay

this morning was tough. 

tonight will be harder. 

tomorrow will suck. 

but last night was good.

rest in peace;

merry christmas. i miss you so much.

you said that your biggest regret.

was saying goodbye

im actually happy about this. so happy. its been months. so many months. and one day. and everything felt like it was only yesterday. and none of that had happened. i dont think you'll understand. but as long as i do. thats all the matters. im finally happy and content with life. well sort of. minus the fact that christmas is in 2 days. 

you need to stop.

like please. its one thing to use my stuff. but please dont use him. he was one of the most important people in my life. to me its not a joke. its very real. and it still hurts. you dont understand. maybe because this happened to me, it brings up unpleasant memories for you. but dont go using what i write thats personal, and use it has your own. like really. you have a brain, please use it. this is a tough time as it is. and i dont people like "mocking" my situations. death is a really hard thing to go through. ive been very relaxed about the whole copying whatever. and its not just me. but when you use subjects that are very sensitive to me. thats crossing the line. 

your a mean one mr grinch.

i have no holiday spirit. this holiday is going to suck. im not even going to be around when our family does christmas. why do plans have to change. its going to be hard as is it. why go and change things? oh thats right. everyones afraid to face the truth. im afraid. but i dont need change. i dont do change. i never have. and i dont plan on starting now. so while everyones enjoying their christmas holidays, im going to be trying so hard just to plant a smile on my face. 

if you feel alone then here take my shirt.

i wear it all the time.

so happy christmas

and a happy new year. the years almost done. ive done a lot. some good. some bad. and ill never forget any of these memories. im making this as long as possible.

had one of the best friends she's ever had.

did the polar swim

made a scrapbook for her favourite band

said goodbye to a goodfriend

made new friends

was scared because her favourite drummer got sick

bought an acoustic guitar

learned acoustic guitar

sang. everday.

sang onstage in niagara falls

found that teddy bear

auditioned for "disney" and got scammed

went to 2 concerts at 2 different venues in 1 night.

spiderpig, enough said.

passed out at hedley

dave holding her hand telling her feel better

the huge drama at hamilton place

dave messaging her, FIRST

those text messages and phone calls.

boys fighting over the scrapbook.

being known as the girls that passed out at hedley

"tonights night good. wife flew in"

seeing hsm on ice, twice

cross , # 23 <3

rode a horse for the first time 

michael the coolest Jamaican ever 

zoe and the magician

rocking out to hannah montana 3d with her bestie

going to well over 50 concerts, this year. 

the mosh pit at sydney 

red bulls last show

"these girls are an exception"

meeting calvin for the first time.

being at calvins first show.

meeting mark from TVO kids

round and round with faber

biggest party of the year

being on the red carpet

the cast of degrassi waving to her and emily

seeing sporty spice

the pouring rain, over and over and over.

being in a tornado warning, outside.

the delicious french fries at this restaurant.

screaming to foreign boys

going to the worst show ever

getting seperated from her best friends

getting trapped in a mosh pit

pit bulls

go carting with jenn

scootering in convient stores

that park

meeting him for the first time

getting a job

getting into the jonas brothers dress rehearsal

rocking out to the jonas brothers behind selena gomez

camp rock. hahahaha. 'nuff said

watching her guitar teacher punch a wall

driving to wendys with 2 hott rockstars at midnight

the cottage cheese crew

cats jumping in cars threw the sunroof

private performances in her basement

being the only fan picked to be in the johnstones video

sneaking in her best friends to be in the video too

being in the johnstones music video, period.

'keep flashing. keep flashing. more flashin'

tripping infront of jarek

june 9th.

learning about cancer, really learning.

getting to know him better, for the first time.

watching her gedo be the definition of strength.

lakair lodge, worst trip of her life.

loosing her gedo to cancer

watching her gedo dip his feet into the water

watching her gedo smile until he passed away

her only regret.

hearing everything.

making the cards

elvis, at the hard rock cafe

competions in the maze, and winning.

having her whole family become even closer

her best friend driving 1hour to be at the funeral

smiling, cause her gedo had the biggest crowd.

the line up of cars, over 100, easily.

the fun house

watching her friends band put out a cd. in stores

seeing shiloh.

getting scouted by an agency

ponchos, umbrellas, and more hedley

watching him be the worst he could probably be

birthday pokes and wishes. 

everything that happened at her sweet 16

seeing her cousin from alberta

getting two kittens

long talks by the fire

winning contests

hating the radio

getting a macbook

private acoustic hedley shows

being just a little more fantastic

fan lowdown

jakes bodyguard.

road trips to buffalo

basically everything that went down in batavia

signing the jonas brothers bus

joe, your triceps look huge.

dinner with the johnstones

having awkward talks with rockstars

free sunglasses

getting 'the' phone call

spending so much time with her little cousins

seeing jesse mccartney

watching her idol of 6 years be the biggest diva

stalking tour buses

shuffling in pilons

having his best friend think shes cute

getting on big screens

jonas brothers karaoke

the whole simple plan night

the beamsville fair

mannndduuhhhh kayyy

telling him the truth

letting him down

him being interested in her

getting backstage

getting vip passes

being in the trailer

getting pulled on stage

sneaking in lines

riding on roller coasters with merch guys

dying on the behemoth

being a seat filler

getting backstage, again

forming team yellow

getting on guest lists

private shows

shout outs on stage

the jealous team red.

dinner time with band boys.

the sad goodbye.

saving guitars.

bite the box competitions, and winning

the huge penguin

the best car ride home.

being a little more fantastic.

the messed up book signing

sneaking front row, when theirs seats

yearbook signings

looking like a movie star.

all her halloween adventures

him.

getting into an agency

the photoshoot

suzie mcneils cd release party

meeting adamo from degrassi, twice.

the penguin team yellow shirt

long lines at hedley

boucny ball games, and bad aim

set lists, guest lists, and sold out signs

hedley underwear

'here take my demo cd' - punches in face- 

getting lost downtown st.catharines

walks by the tour bus

more long lines, camping out

more front row, always

disecting a frog

meeting lights,

seeing david archuleta, highlight of the year

going to kissmas bash and all adventures that went along

scalping tickets in the pouring rain

sneaking front row in seating, again

getting kicked out of seats.

fights with radio djs.

endless nights by the radio with a phone in her ear.

reuinited

getting her g1

driving around town.

her best friends.

the year has a few days left, make her smile. give her memories she'll keep forever.

situation overload

i feel the need to lose control. 

1) im done with people trying to make me feel like never good enough. you say im all these terrible things. with no proof to back it up. your stories are mixed up all over. you say one thing. she says another. ive sat here minding my own business, and get dumped on because all you do is lie. ive done nothing but be a good friend. im sorry that i dont take you everywhere i go. get your own ride. actually im not sorry. you knew from the start how i am. thats how ill always be. i know im not half the stuff you say i am. but you can be the judge of that. and if you dont want me in your life, clearly im not losing much anyways. 

2) ITS NOT A COMPETITION. its so different. if thats all im gonna hear. i dont want to hear it. its not my job to sit there and listen. my perspective of you isn't gonna change. im not gonna get down on my hands and knees and think your some god. not even. remember before? just think. when it wasn't like this. just remember. different wasn't it? yeah. thats what i thought. i dont want to hear about it. i dont need to hear about it. and i don't even care. you better be glad things are okay. thats all i have to say. 

3) it saddens me really. ive come to the conclusion that sometimes maybe people don't really have the stuff they say they do. they lack in ways, that they feel the need to live through other people. make it seem like others realities becomes theres. lead others to believe that this really happened. when it fact it didn't at all. maybe its something else. maybe they just cant think. maybe that its fate. maybe you found the person that is your so called twin in life. ha. no. thats not it. i really don't know why. its a scary thought. wondering where this exact sentence could go. on a document? in a book thats on a bedtime book shelf? 

4) i really wish that....   i could talk about everything that is making me lose control. but whose really listening anyways. no one. 

btw. i tried spelling cupboard today. i had spelt is cubbard. cuppard. cubord. and the list when on until i took it to google. try saying it outloud. i dare you. 

i love rock and i sure know how to roll

a strange romance, its just music after all .

we get deeper and deeper with every speaker we blow.

no ones ever loved me louder then you. 

dont stop playing to me baby.

everything is everything

we're both a little crazy in love.

ive found what i'm looking for.

am i to say who's wrong?

who'd have ever thought

we'd be so perfect in harmony

who'd have thought i'd be all you need.

i never dreamed you'd be so good for me.

whose to say that this will never work?

ive sold my soul for rock and roll...

screwing up the best thing ever

is something you'll regret forever. 

remember what you're worth. remember you're worth fighting for. remember you're not a punching bag. remember you're not a doormat. remember you are valuable. remember you are repairable. remember you matter. remember they dont. 

reach out to you, touch my hand

it still hasn't really hit me yet. that i saw my idol live in concert. i know i've seen a lot of people, met a lot of them too. but it was different this time. when i see hedley or faber drive its like im excited, but its not like this. ive seen them before, mulitple times. i can talk to them on a personal level. they've faded from idol status. dont get me wrong. there still me absolute favourite. but when its your idol, its different. ive never been like this with anyone. except maybe the first time i met hedley.  i'd throw it all away for him. i basically did throw all my money away for him. just to see him. i promised myself i would never pay more then $100 on a concert ticket cause i think thats insane. i broke that last night. for him.  $150 gone. i think it came to $400 total for 3 tickets. but it was worth it.  ive been waiting for so long to see him.  i might of never saw him. i didn't even have tickets. drove for about 2 hours to another country. (although new york isnt that big of a deal to me anymore) and ran around looking for a scalper. floor seats. 15 rows back. it was perfect. i cant even comprehend that i saw him. this is so lame. but like this is who i've been waiting for. since american idol. i saw him step on stage. i lost it. i dont know what i would of done if i met him. so in a way its a good thing i didn't meet him. and make a complete fool out of myself. usually i beat myself up if i dont meet someone, cause im sad. im used to it. but last night. i was just so happy that i was able to see him. i was ready to pay for nose bleed seats. so to get floors for your absolute favourite is a feeling you will never forget. i mean ive seen a lot of my favourite bands ; miley cyrus, jonas brothers, metro station, justin timberlake, pink, lil chris, and the list keeps on growing. but they dont compare.  

plus the fact that you smiled and laughed when i screamed i love you while you were fixing your piano. makes it a million times better. people dont understand why i do things for bands. but its reasons like this. moments that will make me smile for days even when it feels like everything is falling apart around you. 

did i miss something?

cause it clearly looks like i did.

whatever. i wont waste my time on you.

i have more important things.

your not comming back. 

she shall remain nameless

how could you feel so threatened.

by someone you like to ignore.

your always pushing and shoving.

your assets in their face.

life is not a competition

if it is. youve lost the race.

this is getting ridiculous 

theres a lot i dont get.

i dont understand how you just get up and leave.

i dont understand how you except me to consider you a friend.

i dont understand how you think you do nothing wrong

i dont understand why your mad that im happy

i dont understand why you only like me for what i can get you

i dont understand why you copy everything i do

i dont understand why people lie

i dont understand why people doubt everything i do

i dont understand how you do that over and over and over

i dont understand why you did that to me

i dont understand death, cancer and every related to that

i dont understand age

i dont understand me

i dont understand why you betrayed me

i dont understand why people live so far

i dont understand why familys fight

i dont understand alcohol

i dont understand how you always cause fights

i dont understand why you make up stories

i dont understand why people think there better then others

i dont understand you

i dont understand girls

i dont understand boys

i dont understand life.

thanks again.

for basically summing up my entire life in one sentence.

" 'nothing bad is happening to me.' doesnt make sense anymore. "

theres alot i needed to say.

but i wont say it.

ill most likely see something similar to this in about 2 days. 

when you assume somethings about you

its cause deep down theres a little truth to the assumption.

tomorrow

its december. 25 days till christmas. going to be the most hardest christmas of my life.

apparently it only gets harder too.

happy holidays?

tell me why.

___ looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I need everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

___ talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night


He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

___ walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

___ looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see. 

what if

what if everyone knew your name.

what if you broke all the rules.

what if everyone was doing it.

what if all the rumours were true.

what if the past came back to haunt you.

im not happy.

but these things make me better.

[Not in any speci​fic order​]​

1. emily dietrich 
2. david faber
3. jacob hoggard
4. calvin lechner
5. dave rosin
6. zubin thakkar
7. tommy mac
8. chris crippin
9. jeremy liddle
10. team yellow
11. concerts
12. music
13. zoe ryckman.​
14. rockstars
15. being vip
16. singing
17. being on stage 
18. being on stage with your favourite band
19. faber drive
20. hedley 
21. acting
22. going backstage
23. always front row
24. LOUD music
25. david archuleta
26. private acoustic shows
27. anything acoustic
28. my guitar
29. my family
29. jakes blog
30. my ipod
31. writing
32. going into rockstars trailers
33. following bands
34. bands knowing you on a personal level
35. when bands know my name
36. car rides with your favorites 
37.  family time
38. dane cook
39. marianas trench
40. shout outs on stage
41. doing "just about everything with the band" 
42. try this at home
43. screaming really loud
44. looking like "a movie star"
45. seeing a band "probably one of the most times anyone has ever seen us"
46. christmas
47. vacations
48. movie marathons
49. being "just a little more fantastic"
50. pictures. taking them. or being in them
51. crying. 
52. my macbook
53. my cousins
54. buying all fd merch "dont you own just about everything"
55. much music
56. waiting in long lines
57. the weather when its warm with a cool breeze
58. toronto
59. "setting up " matte babel
60. ellen degeneres or however you spell it
61. winning contests
62. going to cd release parties
63. meeting my all time favourite celebrities
64. bumping into degrassi stars
65. photoshoots
66. dropping out of school "just kidding"
67. making youtube videos
68. being a seat filler
69. being in music videos
70. miley cyrus
71. hugs&kisses "you can kiss me instead"
72. snowdays
73. getting paid
74. shopping sprees
75. hanging out with bands
76. fire alarms
77. having dinner with rockstars
78. rockstars guitar picks
79. the shake tramp dance
80. dancing in the rain
81. my kitten
82. the days we go crazy
83. the nights wild and hazy
84. reality tv
85. cute acoustic love songs
86. skinny jeans
87. forgetting everything
88. letting go of all my worries
89. dancing
90. when the whole crowd sings a song at a concert
91. australia
92. accents 
93. finding teddy bears for free pictures
94. waterloo
95. tattoos 
96. piercing 
97. sunrise & sunset
98. phonecalls 
99. birthdays 
100. i dare you to be number 100.

one two three four...

what i said to you. was private. 

when i vent about friends. its meant just for you.

when i tell you my secrets. there not meant to be shared. 

when your my best friend. dont turn around and stab me in the back.

its funny. she means more to me then you ever did.

you probably dont even realize this is about you.

learn the meaning of friendship.

and maybe then. ill think about forgiving you. 

maybe.

and people wonder why i have trust issues.

thank you for being another example on my list.

ignore me if you see cause i just dont give a shit.

your so whatever.

theres really nothing left for me to do. or say.

its all up to you. if you want this. make it work.

im not going to buy your lies.

im not going to be left out in the dark.

im not going to choose.

im not going through this again.

the two of us made a promise. and we kept it. 

if that bothers you so much.

then i dont know anymore.

hey, there you are remember me?

2010. 2 years. 410 days. at the earliest. its going to be a while.a long while. longest wait ive had to do. hope you have fun over seas. where people dont know your name. im bitter. im selfish when it comes to them. i dont care. i dont like sharing them. at all.  i wish they could be ours all the time. but that cant happen.  i guess i could be like there "best fans". quit my job, leave my family, use all the money i have to travel around to see them. fight kids just so you can get front row. even though they've seen you a million times. does that really make them the best? shouldn't the best fan be about the people that support them with all they can. the ones that try and make it out to every show thats actually logical. im sorry i dont have the money to buy tickets to every show you play. im sorry i have a job that sometimes prevents me from comming to your shows. im sorry im in school so sometimes i cant be out in line at 8am. im sorry im not old enough to be your mom. im sorry i dont spend my whole life trying to find out every little thing about you including your bike lock code. im sorry that i have a life outside of you. im sorry i dont measure up to your standards of the best fan. but the funny thing is im NOT sorry. im embarassed for the ones you consider the best. so have fun. see in 2010. that is if your not selling 80$ a ticket in the ACC.

what if you never let me down? 

one hundred.

this is my 100th post. 

im the type of person that if you say something. i need you to mean it. call me a friend. prove it. say that you care about me. show me. want me to stay. need me. i need reassuring every once in a while. thats who i am. thats who ill always be. ill never change. not for you. not for anyone. ill only change for me. people throw words around. but they dont ever mean it. they sit there and give me all this crap. and dont prove it. im not gonna sit around and wait forever. i cant wait forever.  i found one person that really knows the meaning of the term friend. not just a friend. a best friend. and that means everything to me.  everyone else. they dont know. they dont know at all.

its amazing

what you can hide just by putting on a smile.

ive learned to keep my mouth shut. because all it does is make me end up alone.

"i could cry until my body wasted away. a million years could pass. and you'd find me sitting on the sidewalk staring at the sky, my eyelids fighting the raindrops with romantic disregard. some things you can't explain. like the urge to disappear. you feel it when you've lost all other reasons to write a letter. " jwh. 

i dont know where to turn.

ive been stuck in this routine

i need to change my ways

instead of always being weak.

falling faster.

barely breathing...tell me its not all in my head

living her life on her own.

i feel like im losing the one thing ive always wanted. 

maybe some people arent meant to have one.

you think you know

but you have no idea. 

take me back. take me back. take me back. 4 shows this tour. then one more. and its all over. at least its gonna go out with a bang. it already has been. each time just keeps getting better. it never gets old. it never gets boring. the same show. but a whole new memory. every time. its ending again. i hate it. it will be a while before it starts up. i wont just have one night to remember. ill have five. on this tour alone that is.

and. its sad. it really is sad. 

do you know what its like.

to feel so in the dark? 

get me out of this place. as fast as possible. kthnx. 

i get bored really easily.

so here. third times a charm.

http://briannexo.skyrock.com/

:)

only me. only you. and the band.

cant let the music stop.

cant let this feeling end.

cause if i do it will all be over.

ill never see you again.

can i re-live the last 2 weeks of september? please. 

cause we have to.

let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go.let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go.let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go.let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go.let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go.let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go.let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. 

this has gone on way much longer then it should of. we've all said everything we have needed to say. its the matter of getting it, and not getting it. ive done all i can do to make you understand. but right now. this whole thing is just tiring and draining. let it go. 

its all that i can say

i dont know. i just dont know. i never know when im doing something right. to me it feels like im doing the right thing. but to other people its like its like im doing something so wrong. you dont know what its like. you never knew what went on behind closed doors. but me i knew everything. when i make a promise saying ill always be there for you and mean it. ill prove it. i dont go back on my word. she needed me, and i was there. looking back, she was more of a friend to me then you two ever were. ive said that before. but its true. she never intentionally hurt me when she called me her best friend. sure it was bad when we werent friends. but people change, promises are broken. we move on , let things go. friendships arent supposed to be hard work. but its how we'll always be. ive accepted that. this time im stronger. my guards up higher. and you know. if you cant accept that. maybe your the one causing me the most pain, not her. you. 

im done trying to convince people that theyve done wrong when they ask. and it never getting through their head. i can say it every day. in person, over the phone, over email. they wont get it. probably never will. i cant change them. im not asking for them to change. im asking for improvment if they still want me around. if that doesnt happen. i cant keep putting myself through that. its draining, and its annoying. things are better. a lot better. it just wasnt the same anymore with you. i miss the old you. not the one you became. we'll never know what happened. but the past is in the past. this is what it is now. sure it sucks. but we all gotta move on.  we've moved apart.  we have to let things go. 

im just so happy i finally found a friend. best friend. that knows the meaning of friendship. a year ago friday. (halloween) is when it all began. our story is only just beginning and we've already got memories that will last a life time. just like our friendship. best friends forever. and we mean it. 

not so kool-aid

ill tell you what dream used to scare me when i was a little kid. used to actually totally give me nightmares. remember those kool-aid commercials.

where that big talking bowl of punch.

he would come crashing through your wall in your living room?

you wouldnt even know it!

"oh yeahh! oh yeahh! oh yeahh!"

and the little kids are all excited "yes!" "yes!"

then they would drink out of him after debree fell in his open dumb head.he would pour himself. 

"oh yeahh! oh yeahh! oh yeahh!"

him and his crazy tights.

i dont like that. i dont like when juice wears tights.

its a horrible combination, a bowl of juice wearing tights. 

im not drinking out of him, if that was me i'd be like no no no you fix that wall before my dad comes home from work. he's gonna beat me with a belt. 

hes not gonna believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here.

you stupid idiot. 

yea comming through the wall was real cool. 

using the front door is cool. 

dont touch me you drink. dont touch me you giant beverage. 

you are sweating or condensating.

i will kick you in the tights and you will go down your very top heavy. 

"OH YEAHH" "OHH NOOO!" 

naughty naughty kool-aid. 

whats its gonna take for this misery to end

you know, im realizing she was more of a friend then you guys ever were. at least when she said i was her best friend she proved it. 

;)

your twins. 

no regrets

i try to live with no regrets. people always say never have regrets. but you will never understand. i will probably hate myself and regret this for the rest of my life. i heard everything. i heard it all. i lied awake in the room next to you and cried. while i knew the rest of family was saying goodbye. you relived your life that night, i heard it all. through my tears i smiled remembering some of the memories.  i tried to think it wasn't the end. but deep down i knew. i think we all knew. i wish i could of said goodbye. but i didn't. i just heard it all. i wont forget any of the noises i heard that night. i dont think i ever will. everyone assures me its okay, he wouldn't be mad, he wouldn't want you to see him like that. but everyday i think i could of said goodbye, but i didn't. i was afraid and was hoping that you would still be there when i woke up. but your not. and now ill never get the chance. i miss you . 

this is our fate.

i fell right through the cracks

now im trying to get back

before the cool done run out

ill be giving it my best

and nothings gonna stop me but divine intentions

i reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

but i wont hestitate no more, no more.

it cannot wait, im yours.

well open up your mind and see like me

open up your plans and damn your free

look into your heart and you;ll find love, love, love, love.

all - ah peaceful melody

and its our god-forsaken right to be loved.

so i wont hesitate no more, no more

it cannot wait im sure

theres no need to complicate

our time is short

this is our fate, im yours

where'd you go?

i miss you so.

seems like its been forever since you've been gone. 

'there just a little more fantastic'

i remember when, sometime long ago. i told you i was strong enough and now i know.

'So don't believe everything, don't believe everything, that you see

Cause baby i'm everything, baby i'm everything, that you need'

you amazing me with your songs.

you proved me wrong tonight. and im glad. 

one of those days.

Do you ever have those days when you feel like the whole world is against you and the people who say they love you and they care are lying their asses off? The kind of days when you feel like you can't trust anyone, and you're constantly forcing a really fake smile and pretending to be happy, when you wanna just scream and cry? And your life feels like it's being flushed down the toilet, and you hope to god that tomorrow is better, because you just don't know . 

And this whole rambling paragraph barely begins to cover what you're feeling?

sjfkjdfkhsdfjsafdadafadfasdfaskfjs;dfjka;l

i miss you more then you realize. its your name that still gives me butterflies. its the memories with you that always make me smile. saying goodbye to you, was one of the hardest goodbyes. but it was that look you gave me before you left. i cant really describe it. but sometimes you just know.  ill never forget it. more importantly i'll never forget you.

life is good i cant complain

like a roller coaster ride.

holding on white knuckles 

like whoa, whoa. 

catch me here ;) 

october 18th; hello operator

october 19th; acoustic hedley show 

october 20th; hedley

october 21st; hsm cast @ mod

october 26th; photoshoot !!!

october 27th; hedley

october 28th; fall out boy

november 1st; the johnstones

november 6th; danger radio

november 8th; hedley

november 25th; cobra starship

there goes my hero

"so lucky. so strong. so proud."

ill be the girl backstage at your show.

velvet ropes and guitars.

cause you know im starting between the sets.

eyeliner and cigarettes. 

im your biggest fan. 

to appreciate the best, you have to experience the worst.

ive finally just realized that everything bad that has happened in my life was for a reason. i didnt believe that saying because i was so mad at the world because i didn't understand why everything was happened. and now im finally realizing that they happened for really good reasons. when my gedo passed away i was so mad at everything because he didnt deserve to go. he was too young. i still believe he shouldn't of been put through that, or my family. i really wish that didnt happen. but i think that has brought my family closer then it has ever been. things have been closer between us then they have in the past few years.  my parents are divorced but since the summer when he passed away, they've become really good friends. and thats more then i could ask for. my dads family + my moms family are able to do things together again. that means the world to me. and i dont think anyone can understand. whats even better is that my mom and my dads fiance are friends too. haha. its a little weird knowing he's getting married, and it kinda upset me at the beginning. but whats the point in getting so angry, and only focusing on the negative when i have so many things that are positive around here. i have the most amazing best friend i could ever ask for. i know she will be by my side forever. i finally found the best friend that knows the meaning of forever. ive lost so many friends in my life, and they have hurt me pretty bad. they were making me so much stronger and tought me the values of friendship. so i know that my best friend and i will stick by eachothers side forever. even though i only get to see her a few times a month because she lives far away, she will always be there for me, and ill be there for her.  my family is probably the greatest family in my eyes. we've been through so much. and that has only made us stronger. they've let me have so many great opportunities. the fact they support me in everything i do, makes me so happy.  they would do anything to have me follow my dreams.  one day it will happen. im signed with film comm and talent. a top talent agecny in the niagara area. that just gets me so excited, because things could finally take off. im prepared for the worst. i dont expect anything, because sometimes the greatest things come unexpected. i get to do things so many people havn't. all because my family lets me do them, they got me where i am today. they've helped along the way. if it wasnt for them i wouldn't be backstage, onstage, vip, front row, in hotel rooms, or any of that. they let me go to the concert to begin with. and im so happy. people dont understand why i get to go to so many concerts. but its my passion. i live for the music. i live for the rockstar life. getting up early, long days, staying up all night, on stage, backstage, vip access, front row, music videos, cd release parties and that doesn't even begin to explain what i've been able to do. and the best part is ive experienced every single one of those things with my best friend.  my best friend, my family, and my music takes up my entire life. they have my heart and i wouldnt change any of it for the world. 

video girl.

i cant over the past few weeks. how good it was. how i went in expecting nothing, and i get to do everything. he said it right "so now what, you guys are done following the band. since you've done just about everything " .  even though we've done it all. we'll always be back. each time just keeps getting better.  im still stoked on the past, and now im getting even more excited for the future. i have so many things comming up. and i know they will be amazing. its not all just concerts. i get to do a photoshoot with a photographer that has shot paula abdul. and i couldnt be more excited. my life is like a dream, and im living it to the fullest baby. 

b-spot ;)

two worlds collide

she was given the world ,

so much that she couldnt see

and she needed someone to show her ,

who she could be

and she tried to survive wearing, 

her heart on her sleeve

but i needed you to believe

you had your dreams i had mine

you had your fears i was fine

showed me what i couldnt find

when two different worlds collide

she was scared of it all, 

watching from far away

she was given a role,

never knew just when to play

and she tried to survive,

living her life on her own

always afraid of the throne

but you give me strength to find hope

you had your dreams i had mine

you had your fears i was fine

showed me what i couldnt find

when two different worlds collide

she was scared, unprepared

lost in the dark, falling apart

i can survive, with you by my side

were gonna be alright, were gonna be alright

this is what happens when two worlds collide

you had your dreams i had mine

you had your fears i was fine

showed me what i couldnt find

when two different worlds collide

you had your dreams i had mine

you had your fears i was fine

showed me what i couldnt find

when two different worlds collide

when two different worlds collide 

does 'it' even really matter.

does anything matter at all? i cant cry. that shows theres weekness in my eyes. i want to be strong. so lucky. so strong. so proud. im going to take the high road. i havent done that in the last 4 years. so why not start now. 'hate is such a weak emotion. anger  is such a motivating emotion. try not to let your hate motivate and dont let your anger instigate, but let it insight change'. - jwh. thats what im going to do. 'yes the element is hot. even on the third time trying'. 

its going to be hard. different. awkward. but thats the hard way. thinking about my gedo, i know he would be strong. he is the definition of strength. if he can make it up to his most favourite place on earth six hours from home. and manage to dip his feet in the lake. even though he couldnt eat, drink, barely speak. and couldnt move without help. i know he could do anything, and that makes me want to do anything. i can. and will handle every situation, and the high road. ill try to be strong. 'no more running. no more hiding. only standing and sliding. with myself, and no one who cant handle what im made of. love it or hate me, you cant mistake me'.

im finally happy with my life. so im not going to let anyone or anything bring me down.

"i could never live life easy. 

i could never just slow down.

and as long as i keep moving. im falling.

but it feels so good to get up off the ground.

and if i'm the same when im older.

i wont be just a face in the crowd.

im only as crazy as you all make me.

and that doesnt make me wrong

love it or hate me, you can mistake me

and that doesnt make me wrong

i could never live like its over

when running in circles is allowed.

cause it takes so much to keep me from falling

but id rather be a risk then on the ground

and if im the same when im older

i wont be just a face in the crowd."

the sweet, isnt the sweet, without the sour.

i am. so lucky. so strong. so proud.

nothings perfect.

no bodys perfect. nothing is perfect. life isnt perfect. things can never seem to go good for too long. i wont lie, things are pretty fantastic. im so happy with everything. ive been able to do things that not many people get to do. lately luck has been on mine and my best friends side. backstage. vip. on stage. car rides. dinner dates. more backstage. trailers.  its been pretty amazing.  plus the fact that im now with an agency. and my photoshoot is soon. so things are good. but nothing can ever just go good for too long without throwing me for a curve. totally unexpected. i dont want this to happen. everythings going to be different. basically all hope now is going to be gone forever. the term 'just friends' is going to apply now more then ever. even though deep down you know there not going to get back together , people are constantly telling you that there not going too, but there will always be that little tiny part of you that hopes they will. now everything changes. i have a few choices. i can be the biggest brat of all time, and get rid of her like i did all the others. at least this girls nice. but the term marriage is just so permanent. i can always just suck it up and accept everything. but i dont really want to go to the wedding. im supposed to be the most important girl in his life. daddys little girl. but now someone else is going to come into place. people tell me oh i understand how your feeling. dont worry everything will be okay. but you dont know. you probably never will. unless if you have been in my shoes.  i dont even know. the news hit me like a ton of bricks. i didnt see this comming at all. i can already hear the wedding bells. oh joy.

summer fades to fall

it truly has. driving home last night was when it kinda hit me. he said the tour started in the summer. and to think now its all over. and its fall already. its already october. i cant believe how fast this year has gone. october 1st. and im thinking that i cant wait for spring. im getting back into something i promised myself i wouldnt go back to. everytime i think it'll change. i always think. its different now. we've all learned. im taking it slow. one step at a time.  this blog doesnt make any sense. 

you tell me that you need me. then you go and cut me down. but wait. you tell me that you're sorry. didnt think id turn around and say. thats its too late to apologize. its too late. i said its too late to apologize. its too late. 

its a wild world.

i dont really know how to put into words the way im feeling. how do these things happen to emily and i. we can probably at this moment say we've done just about everything. we've accomplished what we thought was the impossible. we truly are living the dream.  ha. it sounds so lame. but seriously. lifes so great right now. in the past 2 weeks we've done things i honestly never thought we would be doing. it just amazes me how we do this. i dont even understand. ha. im not complaining though. ;) 

19/09/08

20/09/08

28/09/08

30/09/08

easily some of the best nights of my life. the rockstar life is the way to be. and i wouldnt have it any other way. 

two worlds collide

im so glad i found a best friend that will always be by my side. one that i know will be in my life forever. how we met is probably the creepiest story , on my part. it will always make me laugh.  we'll stick together no matter what. i love how she has the strongest opinions and voices her opinions any chance she can. shes so awesome and i love her. the two of us dont let anyone put us down. we'll stick by eachother no matter what. 

the fact that someone can say such things boggles my mind. i dont really understand what we did, i probably never will. we were honest, trying to fix the problem, but it didnt go through your head. things just went wrong from there. i guess thats just who you were. we cant change you, but we can let it go . best friends go first in my book. i put myself second for them.  i make mistakes, im not perfect. when im wrong ill admit it. but im not going to take blame for something i didnt do. ive probably said some things i shouldnt, im not sorry, they needed to be said. could of said it probably of said it nicer, but hey the past is in the past. 

i didnt want to have to write something, ive written stuff before then erased it because i didnt want to keep bringing it up. but now as you've said what have i got to lose. nothing.  i think i understand more then you know. when it comes to being the victim. ive been the victim in plenty of situations, as you should know because you were by my side. but now i feel differently because ive seen the facebook mini feed, and that girl put me through hell , fyi. so next time when your trying to patch up a friendship, think twice because right then i knew i dont want you back. sure you were there for me a lot.  i wont deny that. and ill thank you for the times you stuck by my side. but just remember on facebook nothings private ;) 

i never accused you of those things, if you read correctly it wasn't just towards one person, sure i deleted it. i didnt want people assuming things anymore. i dont regret anything i did, and i dont feel the need to apologize. ive let this go. and then all of a sudden i read nasty things about myself when ive clearly minded my own buisness. and done my own thing . never said one thing.  i dont have problems. i dont drop friends like flies they leave my life for a reason. you should know since you were there for all the times they put me down. i do make mistakes. im not perfect. but i am special. havnt you heard everyones special in their own unique way ;)  and i dont have to live in a fantasty, cause im living the dream. 

we had good times, i wont forget you, this shouldnt of happen, but your not gonna change. 

this is the last you'll hear from me about this.

peace out 

i remember the simple things

remember that time we tried to cook kraft dinner and made a mess everywhere. remember that time we sat and played cake mania for hours. remember that time we pretended we were sharks in the pool. remember that time we would take 2342 pictures of ourselves. remember that time we had a cake fight. remember that time you got stuck in a swing. remember that time you sunk in sinking sand. remember that time we made up songs for hours. remember that time we stayed up super late just so we could scare my mom and we failed. remember those nicknames. remember the comics we would make. remember the time you roller bladed to my house cause we got in a fight and you wanted to say you were sorry. remember the punch buggy wars we had. remember our made up games that we would play for hours. remember family time. remember how we used to share the smallest couch but somehow manage to both fit on it comfortably. remember how immature we could be and think we were the funniest people alive. remember how you used to live at my house, and i had a section in my closest just for you.remember how we used to be able to do nothing at all and manage to have an amazing time. people wouldnt understand the things we did. but we would find them the most amusing things ever. then things changed. i miss how things used to be. not the way they are now. the times when we were like sisters.  i dont even know what happened. im sure you couldn't tell me either. 

ive got a lot to say to you.

but i wont say it, cause you blow EVERYTHING out of proportion.

whatever im done with you. half the things you said should of never come out of your mouth.

im not the wrong one here. either is my best friend. she means the world to me. and thats really all that matters. 

ps. its not a fantasy baby, im living the dream . k thanks. 

ill be right here by your side.

this past little while i realized i actually like you.  

im glad i didnt lie. even though it makes things harder. i dont want to be caught in a lie.

"best friends dont tell secrets" 

"my friend thinks your cute....but i cant tell you who it is"

into the rush.

i hope this feeling never goes away. i havn't been this happy in such a long time. its the rush of adrenaline of being on stage with your favourite band. backstage. in the trailer. and getting to do it all with your best friend. its times like these that make me forget everything . i live for that.  i like to party like a rockstar baby. 

think twice

maybe you should think twice about your actions.

and ill think about the past.

this little girl has been pushed around too many times.

im stronger now then i ever was before.

ive realized

most people aren't who they say they are. im an example thats for sure.  i love to keep people guessing. i can guarantee that 99 % of you have no idea who i am.  keeping people wondering is half the fun. my life is one big guessing game. people assume so many things. ive heard so many stories. i dont lie. i just smile. once you get to know the real me. that means i trust you. and your really important to me. there's only a few people that are that close to me. and i will do anything to keep them here forever. 

so so what? i still rockstar. i got my rock moves. and i dont need you. and guess what im having more fun. and now that were done. im gonna show you tonight. im alright. im just fine. and your a tool. so so what? i am a rockstar. i got my rock moves. and i dont want you tonight.

saw you for the first time yesterday

and it was probably the hardest thing i ever had to do. i didnt look at you once. i kept my head to the ground. i was angry. i didn't cry. i couldn't. i didn't say anything either. i couldn't bring myself to it. it's weird. but im learning a song for you. and once i get up the courage to finally be able to visit you. ill play it for you. and i know you'll be smiling from up above. 

man.

i give up.

hahahahahahaha like really.

do you think before you act.

i really dont think you do.

what you did was just low. 

so this is goodbye.

i miss you already.

genius

"sometimes things slow down. sometimes they go so fast they feel like they're not moving. other days its easy to breathe while some you can't smell a thing. sometimes life wasn't meant to play like a game of boggle. rinse and repeat"

jwh.

summer fades to fall

even though summers over. that doesnt mean the party stops.

september 6 ; brazen in toronto 

september 7; toronto film festival - jim sturgess (L)

september 9; mandy k

september 12; faber drive possibly ?

september 20; faber drive

september 28; faber drive

october 18; hedley possibly?

october 20; hedley

october 26; metro station

october 27; hedley

november 25; cobra starship 

im so stoked.

is it real.

i dont know what it is about you.

why do i keep running from the truth. all i ever think about is you . you got me hypnotized, so mesmerized. and i just got to know. do you ever think when your all alone. all that we can be. where this thing can go. am i crazy or falling in love. is it real or just another crush. do you catch a a breath when i look at you. are you holding back like the way i do. cause i try and try to walk away but i know this crush ain't going away.

soundtrack to my summer.

this summer was honestly the best and worst summer of my life. i lost one of the most important people in my life to cancer. as much as i tried to forget about it, everywhere i went, everything i did reminded me of him. it seems like every concert i went to theres a song about losing someone, being sick, missing someone, and cancer. there was times when i'd want to tell him about things ive done. i wanted to hear him say im proud of you, or you go to too many concerts, or get off that computer. i wanted him to be with me when i turned sixteen. there was many times i wished he could be there, and i wanted to cry. but i have the most amazing best friend who was always there for me this whole summer. even though she lives kinda far away we managed to see eachother almost every day. all the concerts we got to go, with all those memories at the shows. i can guarantee we will never forget those times. mosh pits, pit bulls, birthday wishes, big screens, pouring rain at almost every show, hanging out with bands, video shoots, dinner with the johnstones, tour buses, stalking jesse mccartney outside his hotel, and so much more. ive done so much this summer, i cant even believe its over. i had the greatest summer and i lived it up as best i can even though im hurting so bad inside. theres so many times i wanted to break down and cry, and theres been times when i wanted to tell the whole world how happy and excited i was for so many different reasons. 

i hate that summers ending. but im stoked for the rest of the year.

im flyer, im higher

so please dont shoot me down.

i havnt been this happy in such a long time.

this la la land machine.

I am confident. but i still have my moments. who said i cant wear converse with my dress. and who said that i cant be single. that i have to flirt and mingle.  tell me do you feel the way i feel. cause nothing else is real.  some say i need to be afraid of losing everything. because of where ive started and where ive made my name. cause everythings the same. well im not going to change. well everything is the same. in this la la land machine. 

i wont change anything of my life.

cause im staying myself tonight. 

its true.

you'll always miss a best friend.

you cant forget what they did to you.

but theres always that part of you that wants to give them another chance

tell me something i dont know.

these two girls never fail to put a smile on my face. i love my little cousins so much. i think the time we spend together is so much better because they live so far away and i see them every few weeks. there like the little sisters i never had. and there just amazing. "is ben hott?" "well sometimes but he's hotter in the sun" hahaha. the things the say just make me smile. thinking about all the memories. especially when they order me a book from their book orders just because it says the jonas brothers. and get super excited when they show me. i hate that they live so far. but everytime they come down its that much more special. 

 the past few months has made me value family so much more. somedays id rather go out and spend a day with my family then go out with my friends. they can be so embarassing at times. but you dont realize what you got till its gone.  i miss my gedo so much, but in a way it has made me understand the value of family and i think our whole family has realized that.  i love spending time with them now and im not afraid to admit that. these past few months has made me such a stronger person.  i miss the old times, and i look forward to the new times. my cousins are down for a few days and im so excited to see what kind of crazy adventures i get into. 

i think ive finally settled down to a place where im okay with everything. ive got my family, my best friends, and my favourite bands to keep my sane. and i wouldnt change that for the world.

thanks

for everything. all the good times. all the times you made me laugh. all the times when i could turn to you when i was down.  its different now. i dont know why i ever tried. why i put up with everything for as long as i did. your put in the past now. and ive moved on. i can only give so many second chances, and this girls been pushed around way to many times.

"its friends forever. thats what we used to say.

now everything is flying away.

i just wish that everything was the same.

now all the memories are floating away."

why?

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

i dont understand you.

lead singers do it better.

i actually miss you. terribly. 

lets get married.

k thanks.

canada eh?

i official love road trips. were basically in the middle of no where. Batavia, someone in new york. with like no civilization. a hotel. with a farm right across the street. and its basically the greatest hotel ever. signs that say "with a baa baa here" and a picture of a lamb. it pretty much owns. i can almost can gaurentee the jonas arent here. but its so nice. haha. took us like 4 hours to get here. cause of the stupid border. that was an adventure. thank god for my macbook. and wireless internet service. im surprised they have it out here. there is like one goodlooking guy here. i felt like a complete out sider in the store today. we went jonas shopping. we came out with 15 magazines - all jonas style. packages of breakfast breaks with no intention of eating them. and almost wasnt able to buy them because were canadian eh? we havent turned off the disney channel. i wish we got it in canada. family sucks compared to this. im pretty stoked for tomorrow. were heading into to six flags. going on rides. hoping to run into some jonas. perferably joe. thanks. and then rock out to the jonas at night. my shirt does say 'joe your triceps look huge' .

this is a great trip so far and its only day one.

well, i love you haha

my best friend. emily. for having the most amazing luck. i dont understand how the two of us get so lucky at times. but here emily had the best luck of all. and won passes to private performance by hedley. we spent our week listening to the radio till about 2 in the morning every week trying to call. stopped my birthday party so everyone could whip out their phones and call. that was bascically all pointless. we lost. caller 2,5,7,9,12,13,15,17,18,19,22,23. pretty much every caller. but caller 25. seriously. then we basically gave up. lost hope. emily checks her email and WE WON. what are the odds. so many more people entered online, then the radio. oh my god. so tomorrow. emily and i will make our way into the big city - it seems like a once a week thing we do. and we'll expierence emilys wonderful prize .

i love her and hedley. =]

lol lets just hope my pink eye is gone. or ill make myself an eye patch, ahhahahahhaa

numbers.

1. You are my best friend. and im so glad our boys brought us together ;]

2. You're like my sister, we used to fight so bad, but your my best friend. i love youu!

3. You are the most annoying person I have ever met. and you shouldnt be doing what you do.

4. we can go months without talking, but when we hang out its just like old times. you can always make me laugh.

5. i really should stop liking you. your bad news. and i know it.

6. i hate you and everything you put me through.

7. i will always like you. no questions asked. seriously. i miss you.

8. i really really miss you. you can come back any time. 

9. as good as a friend you are, you really annoy me.

10. i miss the old you.  

11. drama follows you EVERYWHERE.

12. you are so cute. 

13. im really really glad i got over you.

14. your like my best friend. and i love you ! 

15. you annoy me so much. and your stupid gossip

16. im really glad were friends again. 

17. i will marry you ;] 

18. you make me laugh so much. i hope we never get in a fight like that again. ahha .

19. stop playing stupid. its not cute.

20. i just dont know

eh?

You know you are from Ontario when:

-When trying to tell people where you are from, you just say hey I am this far away from Toronto, and suddenly everyone gets it.

-You know Ontario is the centre of the universe

-You can't remember the last time you heard French.

-Despite 9+ years of French, you know more Punjabi, Bengali, Hindi or Chinese.

-You don't see a white cab driver.

- Any city with less than a few hundred thousand is considered hick.

- You know that the Leafs suck, but you refuse to let anyone else know. Besides, they may just win the Cup this year, its only been 39 years.

-Or you hate the Leafs entirely, and cheer on the Senators. An apparently much better team.

- What the hell is this football stuff?

- You haven't been to any of the other provinces, except for Quebec (drinking age), because well whats the point? You might as well go to the States.

-We know 401 isn't a tax form

-We know there is a difference between QEW, Gardiner and 403. Though technically are the same road

- You think people from Alberta are whiny rednecks, who don't know how to share (Unless you are Maggie's boyfriend).

- You know you're from Ontario when people think that Toronto is the nations capital and you can correct them because you live here and know better.

- Or you know you're from Ontario when everyone else is Canada hates you just because...they have no better reason.

- If you are not from Toronto, you try your hardest to "prove" that you are better than them. But try as you may, you are one of them.

"Vacation" means going to Barrie for the weekend.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You use a down comforter in the summer.

You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.

Your provincial capital calls in the army to help clean up after a snow storm.

Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump

You're in the only province with hard-core American-style crime

MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar

Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house

You know there's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist

Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition

Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city

Have a new/better hint if someone is from this province? Send it in at the bottom of this page.

You have enough French vocabulary to get by some of the day in Ottawa without them thinking that you're a completly incapable American.

You find -40C a little chilly.

You voted Liberal in the last election.

You understand the Labatt's Blue commercials.

You know you are from ontario when a 45 minute drive can mean the diference between an inch and a metre of snow (i.e. toronto to barrie)

i miss you

you would hold me close in your arms. i loved the way you felt so strong. i never wanted you to leave. i wanted you to stay here holding me. i miss you. i miss your smile. and i still shed a tear everyone once in a while. and even though its different now, your still here somehow. my heart wont let you go. but i need you to know. i miss you. oh how i wish you could see. every thing thats happening for me. im thinking back on the past. its true the time is flying far to fast. i miss you. i miss your smile. and i still shed a tear everyone once in a while. and even though its different now, your still here somehow. my heart wont let you go. but i need you to know. i miss you. i know your in a better place. but i wish that i could see your face. i know your where you need to be. even though your not here with me. i miss you. i miss your smile. and i still shed a tear everyone once in a while. and even though its different now, your still here somehow. my heart wont let you go. but i need you to know. i miss you.



Roger Raymond Kulchycki , May 7th, 1943 - July 16th, 2008.
he left way to soon.
he was my gedo (grandpa) and my hero.
he was the definition of strength .
rest in peace gedo. i love you .

its more then just a word.

its a life changing moment. it turns things upside down. it spreads so fast. making everything so much worse. there isn't even a cure. it kills me inside to see him have this word taking over him. he used to be so strong. the loudest guy in the room. he could always make me laugh. its hard for him now to even eat. i dont know how much longer i can last. i block it out as best i can. everytime i see him. i wait to wake up from this dream. im his little peach. he's supposed to dance with me at my wedding day, watch me grow up, be there for me like he always has been. i love him.

its one step at a time.

you cant leave.

its hard to believe a few months ago. everything was perfect. he was perfect. he was 100% healthy. happy. fine. how can someone that has been so amazing and strong get put through this.
june 9th; the day we got the news that turned my world upside down. i hate this more then anything. im his little peach.
he cant leave...

mmvas

were the most amazing thing of my life.
it was so insane.

full review here.

click here

biggest party of the year.

in less then 24 hours.
partying with my fellow groupies that i havnt seen since forever.
in the big city.
red carpet.
rock stars.
celebrities.
after parties.

i cant wait.

hate me today.

It's awkward and silent
As I wait for you to say
What I need to hear now
Your sincere apology
When you mean it, I'll believe it
If you text it, I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh I'm not coming back

keep it comming

"you're everything that breaks me down
that makes me cry and hurts my heart
you're everything that makes me trip
and fight and fall apart
i hate you more than hate can handle
the way you look at me
straight in my eyes with whipping charm
you make corruption so easy
i'll show you hardcore
i'm a blind survivor
you haven't seen anything yet
just wait till i begin starting fires
i'll work your face off sideways
i hate you the most on bad days
what makes you so good
at poisoning every vein from my head to my toes
you serpent you dragon, you embodiment of corruption
you hold in your hand my demise my destruction
but you won't get the best of me
not if i can help it
i've had enough between the eyes
to know i'm not close to finished
so keep smiling your perfect smile my way
its sickening
you're not that close to breaking me
you dragon, this is just the begining.


keep on keepin on!"

jwh.

come find me.

06/14/08 - 06/15/08; MMVA weekend
06/20/08 ; HEDLEY
06/29/08 ; Scene Fest
07/01/08 ; Canada Day Concert in Toronto
07/24/08 ; Warped Tour (Buffalo)
08/02/08 ; HEDLEY
08/08/08 ; BIRTHDAY
08/14/08 - 08/15/08- Jonas Brothers weekend (Buffalo)
08/29/08 ; Simple Plan&Faber Drive
08/30/08 ; Cirque De Soleil
10/18/08 ; HEDLEY
10/20/08 ; HEDLEY

june. twenty. two thousand eight.

hold your breathe
because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
over again
don't make me change my mind
or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
because a boy like you is impossible to find
your impossible to find

right now.

life is kinda like this.

drama.
more drama.
gossip.
concerts.
best friends.
lies.
rumours.
apologys.
more concerts.
long drives.
short visits.
fights.
forgivness.


talk is cheap.
but remember me tonight.
when your asleep.

...your impossible to find.

i dont know why.

i forgave you in the first place.

go now. right now.

http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/
http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/
http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/
http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/
http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/
http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/
http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/
http://makexbelieve.skyrock.com/

summer.summer.summer.

april 5th; brazen
april 8th; brazen
april 18th; faber drive
april 19th; faber drive
june 15th; mmva's
june 28th; brazen
june 29th; scene fest
july 22nd; warped tour
AUGUST 8th; BIRTHDAY & hopefully HEDLEY
august 15th; jonas brothers


im stoked.
most deffiantly.


i just cant wait for all the hed-o-ley dates to start rolling in.

:)

pretty.odd?

pretty.good

link me.

facebook
skyrock
youtube
uber
myspace


sooooo add me :) (L)

we wont be looking back

when your gone.
running out of time
and you just dont get it.
now your watching people die.
and you still dont care.
running out of time
and you just dont get that this is how i feel
theres a million things i hate about you.

i dont think you understand.

honestly, this will be the highlight of my entire marchbreak.
not even kidding you right now.
i dont think people understand how happy alysia and i are right now.
jacob hoggard packed the shorts we bought him. into his suitcase.
put the suitcase on the plane. picked them out one morning.
and is wearing them in barbados.
like honestly. he just made my entire march break.
@#@!$@$@#@$@!

jwh

when you look me in the eyes.
and tell me that you love me.
everythings alright.
when your right here by my side.
when you look me in the eyes.
i catch a climpse of heaven.
i find my paradise.
when you look me in the eyes.


i miss you. alot.

i need your help!!!

keep clicking here!

http://www.hedleyhigh.com/contest/?hedley:3?brie-xo


please.
please.
please.

ill love you forever.

tripped out again.

The world is gently falling
And the truth becomes untrue
The people we created turn their sorry face from you
I hold you in the dark times
When things don't go my way
I'll embrace you in the sun
And fall in love again today
Fall in love again today

What are you doin' to me
I'm so into you
Isn't it easy to see
I'm falling for you
Yeah you

lets go back in time.

i probably just had the two most insane nights of my life.
do they really understand the things they do and say.
makes me probably the happiest ive ever been.
even though the first night i didnt even get to watch the concert with my best friends.
being ruineted with them meeting hedley just made everything so much better.
remembering my name.
telling me they hope i feel better.
long hugs.
big smiles.
holding my hand.
looks in the eyes.
just everything.

reviews of my two nights.

Hamilton
Toronto

a little bit possesive

i guess were really over.
so come over.
im not over it.
and i guess were really over.
so come over.
im not over it.
a little bit possessive.
little miss obsessive cant get over it.

boy.

Is there anybody going to listen to my story.
all about the boy who came to stay?
he's the kind of boy you want so much it makes you sorry.
still you don't regret a single day.
when I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave him.
he will turn to me and start to cry.
and he promises the earth to me and I believe him.
after all this time, I don't know why
he's the kind of guy who puts you down.
when friends are there, you feel a fool.
was he told when he was young the pain would lead to pleasure?
will he still believe it when she's dead?

lame rockandroll band.

You try to shift the blame.
My god are you insane.
And I'm sorry babe is all you can say.
You've made a mess before.
I kept coming back for more.
Cause I never though you'd end it this way.


get real kid, your the one that made mistake.
be a man and own up to it.
so dont be taken back its all because of you.

never again.
because im done with you and your lame rockandroll band.

why.

do people take so many things for granite.
i go out of my way for you.
spend around 100$ just for you.
and you ditch me. and dont even care.
i dont believe i heard one thanks.
for all the trouble i went through for you.
im done.
never again will i do things for you.
i knew this would happen.
i knew id get screwed over.
but whatever.
not anymore.
this time. im actually gonna try to be done with you.




yeahh.
thats not gonna work.

70 things you probably dont know.

1. i fall for guys too fast, and it needs to stop. cause I just keep on getting hurt.

2. im probably going to be shy the first time i meet you.

3. i'm really quiet if I'm not comfortable with you.

4. i bite my nails, when i'm nervous. And If I think your cute, I'll start biting my lip mid conversation.

5. i took a modeling course when i was 11. and im still modeling now.

6. i can do the shaketramp dance with zoe. were pretty amazing at it.

7. ive moved 5 times. and probably moving again soon.

8. i used to be obsessed with britney spears, then i watched her live in concert on tv and my obsession stopped. haha

9. when my best friend jenn and i were younger we used to be so mean to eachother. haha

10. If I see you sad, I will seriously do anything to make you laugh.

11. i'm really ditzy. I trip a lot.

12. Ive tried to win so many contests, and ive only won once. haha

13. im usually quiet until i get to know you, then its the complete opposite.

14. i HATE when people call me anorexic. people have said it my whole life. its annoying.

15. i usually try to be nice to everyone.

16. i'll admit that i do judge people before getting to know them, its something i should stop.

17. i hate bugs.

18. I've had a myspace since 2005.

19. im not to good at art, but i love drawing.

20. my parents are seperated, and i think out of my family, it has affected me the most.

21. when i get REALLY upset, i shut everyone out.

22. i actually was a heavy baby. lol

23. I have trust issues.

24. I love popsicles.

25. ive never had a paying job. haha i rock

26. i hated elementry school. i honestly hated it.

27. i always wanted a small dog and i finally got one when i was 9. he was my favourite, and when he died this year i was so upset.

28. i hate when people lie to me, i will find out.

29. i love shopping. i will do it alone, with someone. cash, credit. i dont care!

30. Ive met/known faberdrive a few years ago back when they were just 'faber'.

31. This new years i was at a hedley concert down in toronto, the fire alarm went off in the hotel i was staying at and Dave Rosin ended up staying in the same hotel as us, and we hung out with him for a while.

32. i'm obsessed with hedley, yes

33. I want to work in the music/entertainment business. Or be a fashion designer.

34. I'd much rather chill at home with a few friends than go out. especially if it's a guy or someone new i've met. It gives me a chance to get to know them better.

35. i hate it when people call me 'briannA'. its briannE. no 'a'

36. When i was 5 i was going to be in a walmart or zellers magazine to model, but i was too afraid.

37. I eat a lot of times during the day, but not a lot. I have 6 small meals every day.

38. I love meeting new people.

39. i think 'top friends' on myspace cause too many problems

40. I'm not the kind of girl that does everything, [like bad things] to get a guys attention. it's just stupid.

41. i can't go to bed with my door shut or my closet open.

42. i talk a lot.

43. i love to sing. ive been taking lesssons for 5 years now.

44. modeling is something i really like. and i cant stand it when people sterotype all models as anorexic because not all models do.

45. my msn is always running.

46. even though ive moved alot. ive stayed in the same town and gone to the same schools.

47. i'm a pretty fast typer.

48. i've changed a lot in the past few years.

49. i don't think i have enough self confidence, but i'm trying to change that.

50. i will NEVER EVER change myself for a friend or a guy.

51. its creepy when older guys like realllyyyy old guys hit on younger girls.

52. i can be lazy hahah

53. i would rather give someone a present than give them a $20 bill.

54. i truly believe in karma.

55. This is really weird but because of past experiencesiI'm liek terrified of throwing up haha seriously i think i have like a phobia.

56. i love my little brother, except for the fact that he gets realllllly annoying.

57. I've been on tv so much and on the radio quite a few times.

58. i randomly met fefe dobson in toronto.

59. i love meeting new people at concerts. it makes me happy when i make new friends! :)

60. i hate math.

61. when I go to concerts, I get mad if I don't get to meet them, but then I jsut end up running into them somewhere random that same night.

62. i've changed alot over the past year, physcially and mentally.

63. I love to write. lovelove.

64. i dont like sports

65. I've had so many pets.

66. i like to makeup words.

67. I hate when people talk behind my back. If you want to say something, say it to my face.

68. i have a concert obsession.

69. Im in the hedley music video 'shes so sorry'.

70. get to know me.

just remember.

life is too short
grudges are a waste of perfect happiness
laugh when you can
apopogize when you should
and let go of what you can't change
love deeply and forgive quickly
take chances . give everything
and have no regrets
life is too short to be unhappy
you have to take the good with the bad
smile when you're sad
love what you got
and always remember what you had
always forgive but never forget
learn from your mistakes
*but never regret
people change, and things go wrong
but always remember
life goes on!

the day we all go insane.

february 19th .
it will consist of; early mornings. blankets. scrapbooks. gifts. waiting. coldness. long hours. costume changes. meeting people. fights. pushing. jumping. front row. screaming. music. late nates. best friends. hedley.


my life stil revolves around my best friends and hedley.
that wont change for a long time.

i want to break-free.

So can I be any stronger
If tonight goes any longer
Cause I will not just wait around for you
To break my heart and run away
If there's nothing I cant say
To make you stay with me
So don't forget to just lose my number
Nothing matters

So aside from the pain
This is all you get
And for me to believe I could just forget

I won't hate myself to be loved by you

We'll both be better off when
I pick myself up and drop you on the floor
You'll never get the best of me
Never again

You're not gonna run around on me

You get me looking stupid
So this where it all ends
You pushed me too far one too many times


There was a time I'd give up anything to hold your hand,
But I'm Wide-awake you're a big mistake I'll never make again

---------------

if only i could actually believe all this.
i really dont know why i do this all for you.
i know your gonna screw me over.

one day ill break free.