Thursday, September 11, 2008
saw you for the first time yesterday
and it was probably the hardest thing i ever had to do. i didnt look at you once. i kept my head to the ground. i was angry. i didn't cry. i couldn't. i didn't say anything either. i couldn't bring myself to it. it's weird. but im learning a song for you. and once i get up the courage to finally be able to visit you. ill play it for you. and i know you'll be smiling from up above.
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im pretty sure i can figure out what this is about. and if im right.
well.
its hard. ive gone to visit him.. 3 times? maybe. the first time i couldnt even get out of the car. the second time i got out of the car, and walked to the grave. but i didnt look at it. i couldnt and i wouldnt.
the third time, i decided i would actually go. and look at it. and im so glad i finally did.
he told me one day what he thought heaven was. "heaven is different for everyone, i think.. where you find your own paradise, and n my mind, that would be an open field where you could lay out all day, with blue skies and a cool breeze on a warm day. maybe a church off on a hill.."
and then he let me read his journal. i wont get into how amazing that was, but every single thing he wrote ended with "thank you god, for this day".
i told my mom about what he said, and wrote..
on the top of the grave there's a big field with a church off on a hill in the distance, and a shining sun.
it says
"ALCIDE JOSEPH RICHARD
April 18, 1942 - January 4, 2006
Beloved Husband, Father, Nephew, Uncle + Grandfather
THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DAY"
finally,
i looked at it.
i told myself i could do it and be strong.
swear to god, i collapsed onto the ground and started sobbing. crying like a baby. its so hard. in the end, i was glad i saw it. but at the same time, i kind of wish i didnt. i dont know. i havent been back since then, and that was around easter. im pretty sure i want to go back, and maybe this time i can stand up and not fall down. i know i'll still bawl when i see it. but hey, one step at a time, right?
im sure it'll get better. (L)
oh yeah.
and if im wrong with what this is aabout. well then you just got a story that probably was confusing.
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