once upon a time

we've never lasted this long before.

i dont want to jinx it.

but i think we've finally learned.

strength.

i really hate cancer, what it does to families. and most importantly what it did to my gedo.

my gedo was the most amazing and strongest guy i knew, he could do anything, fix anything, and make me laugh in whatever situation we were in. he got mad at me sometimes, but never for long. we had a really close relationship, and im so thankful for that, because of the person he made me become. he tought me so many things i would of never known, and he pushed me to do something even when i didnt want to do it, but it would make me stronger, better, smarter. he was the definition of strength. 

in april 2008, my gedo was getting sick. he was feeling tired all the time, and just not himself. he went to the doctors, which wasn't like him at all. the doctors didnt know what was wrong. but he kept going back. he was losing weight and starting to look not like himself. but he was still the same on the inside.

on june 9th he was diagnosed with cancer. he was given 6 weeks to live. 6 weeks? i mean, that was barely 2 months. by the time he was diagnosed. the time went so fast. he was losing more and more weight everyday. wasnt eating. and looking really sick. one day we had a talk. he told me he would get through this, he told me he was going to make it to my 16th birthday, see my brother graduate grade 8, and even dance with me at my wedding day. he told me that was his dream. i wanted it fufilled more then anything.

everyday was getting worse and worse. it was so good for him to eat a slice of fruit or something in a day. it gave us hope, but we all new the truth. pretty soon he was confined to the couch, and had a nurse come in and was hooked up to the IV machine to feed him. not once did he go to a hospital. he was always in the warmth of his home. 

i visited him everyday, and days i couldn't i would feel really bad. i would put cold clothes on his feet cause that made him happy. and if it wasnt cold enough, even though he could barely talk , he would still get mad at me. in a loving way. i think about it now, and my gedo always use to call me his little peach. right from the day i was born. and during the time he was sick,  he always wanted peaches. even though he couldnt eat them. all he wanted was a peach. 

every year our family goes on vacation up to a place 6 hours from home, to Lakair Lodge. we used to camp out, but this year would be too hard. but my gedo insisted we went. he wanted to go. so we rented a cottage, had a wheechair, hospital bed, IV machine, and all his medication and supplies sent up. it was a lot of work but we did it. i'll never forget driving up, my nana and gedo driving in the truck ahead of me. and my gedo stuck his arm out the window and gave the thumbs up. the thumbs up became his way of telling us if he was good. and that made me smile so big.

the struggles we faced up there was so hard, i really dont know how we all managed. but we did it. because it was what he wanted.  on our third day there, he managed to dip his feet in the water. and went fishing. he was on the dock, in his wheelchair. he didn't catch anything. but he still was fishing. that was enough for all of us. it was an accomplishment we really didnt think would happen.

on our 5th night, it got really bad. my gedo was telling us, we need to leave. we had booked a ambulance to take him home the next morning. a doctor had come to the cottage that night and said to go home now aswell. we all knew what was coming, none of us were happy.  the doctor told us he thought at few days at least.  that night, while the adults were figuring everything out. i went to see my cousins and my brother were doing, and they were making get well cards for my gedo. so we ended up all making one for him. he did get to see them, and he gave the thumbs up and gave us all a hug.

that night we went to bed, my room was right next the living room. where my gedo's bed was, and my nana slept on that couch. i heard him in the middle of the night. it didn't sound good. so i went and woke up my mom. i then heard my mom, nana, aunt, and uncle all awake. i lied in bed.  doing nothing. just lying there. i heard everything. i'll never forget anything i heard that. im not going to talk about it. im not ready. its the hardest thing i've ever had to witness in my life. i regret and hate myself everyday for doing nothing, not getting up and saying goodbye. but everyone reassures me that it was gedo making me stay in that bed. he didnt want me seeing him like that, but im just not ready to believe that.

i think we all knew when we went to bed that night, it was the hardest thing getting up that morning. seeing police surrounding the cottage, his bed still lying there. the hearse. people in suits. i hated the police that day, they treated this like a crime scene. i wanted to push them all in the lake. they were going to put up caution tape. it was hard enough as it was. i hope they never have to endure something like that. watching the hearse drive away with my gedo in the back was the worst thing. im really grateful for everything that Lakiar Lodge did for us. we're going back up this year, to watch them put in a bench by that cottage in honor of my gedo. but we cant stay, it'll be way to hard. 

at his funeral i wore a bright turquoise dress, we played 50's music, had pictures of his life everywhere, and tried to make it as happy as possible. why? because that's who my gedo was. laughing and smiling till his very last day. we constantly gave each other thumbs up that day. to assure one another that we were okay.  ive never seen so many people in one place, his visition went over the time it was supposed to be because of the amount of people that came, people were lined down the block, the funeral service itself was packed, people were standing cause there wasn't enough room, they then had to refuse entry cause the place was so full. at the burial site cars were lined up for miles. or whatever. it was a long long long line. which makes me realize how many lives my gedo has touched. and it makes me so proud to call him my gedo.

i guess i needed to write this because im finally ready to accept this. for the longest time i denied that this happened and he was on a really looooonng vacation. i tried not to cry. but now i guess its okay. and today my whole family, cousin, aunt, uncle, and my nana were sitting there talking and all of a sudden 'stairway to heaven' started playing on her computer. how? we have absolutely no idea. but we all think it was my gedo's way of saying he is okay. and he's on his way to heaven. he made it. and now i know i can make it through too. im going to be strong. because thats what he showed me. and im never going to let him down. 

i love my best friends.

thats all.

without them id be a series of disjointed sentences strung together like glass beads in a necklace that you wear on weekends. 

theres always gonna be another mountain.

i really don't understand how one thing can make someone so happy, but bring everyone else down. does your own happiness really matter more then everyone else's. i guess yes, as long its not hurting anyone. except its hurting my emotionally. but i guess i gotta get over it. cause its not going away. its times like this which cause me to stay up till 4am crying with your best friend, and being a brat and blasting the climb at full blast while the rest of your household is sleeping, then getting up for school the next morning wishing none of that happened. i mean, is it really worth it? all the tears, drama, fighting. i doubt it. but sometimes its okay to cry.i gotta be strong though. for her. for me. we stick together. always. no matter what. all three of us. 

i never knew

i never knew that everything was falling through.

that everyone i knew was waiting on a cue.

to turn and run when all i needed was the truth.