happy new year !

nothing will beat two years ago though. ever ever.

two years ago. best friend, favourite band, hotel rooms, new years kisses.

being tackled onto the bed in your hotel room, by your favourite guitarist, and him saying he hasn't got his new years kiss yet. probably the best new years moment ever. 

new years is always a let down now. 

just because of that night.

i miss it so much.

i miss my favourite band so much.

thank god for my friends.

the hardest days became the best days. 

all because i found the greatest friends. 

they helped me get through it all.

it was still hard, but it became easier.

and so, thank you. for everything.

ps. i sort of love team yellow? 

well, okay

this morning was tough. 

tonight will be harder. 

tomorrow will suck. 

but last night was good.

rest in peace;

merry christmas. i miss you so much.

you said that your biggest regret.

was saying goodbye

im actually happy about this. so happy. its been months. so many months. and one day. and everything felt like it was only yesterday. and none of that had happened. i dont think you'll understand. but as long as i do. thats all the matters. im finally happy and content with life. well sort of. minus the fact that christmas is in 2 days. 

you need to stop.

like please. its one thing to use my stuff. but please dont use him. he was one of the most important people in my life. to me its not a joke. its very real. and it still hurts. you dont understand. maybe because this happened to me, it brings up unpleasant memories for you. but dont go using what i write thats personal, and use it has your own. like really. you have a brain, please use it. this is a tough time as it is. and i dont people like "mocking" my situations. death is a really hard thing to go through. ive been very relaxed about the whole copying whatever. and its not just me. but when you use subjects that are very sensitive to me. thats crossing the line. 

your a mean one mr grinch.

i have no holiday spirit. this holiday is going to suck. im not even going to be around when our family does christmas. why do plans have to change. its going to be hard as is it. why go and change things? oh thats right. everyones afraid to face the truth. im afraid. but i dont need change. i dont do change. i never have. and i dont plan on starting now. so while everyones enjoying their christmas holidays, im going to be trying so hard just to plant a smile on my face. 

if you feel alone then here take my shirt.

i wear it all the time.

so happy christmas

and a happy new year. the years almost done. ive done a lot. some good. some bad. and ill never forget any of these memories. im making this as long as possible.

had one of the best friends she's ever had.

did the polar swim

made a scrapbook for her favourite band

said goodbye to a goodfriend

made new friends

was scared because her favourite drummer got sick

bought an acoustic guitar

learned acoustic guitar

sang. everday.

sang onstage in niagara falls

found that teddy bear

auditioned for "disney" and got scammed

went to 2 concerts at 2 different venues in 1 night.

spiderpig, enough said.

passed out at hedley

dave holding her hand telling her feel better

the huge drama at hamilton place

dave messaging her, FIRST

those text messages and phone calls.

boys fighting over the scrapbook.

being known as the girls that passed out at hedley

"tonights night good. wife flew in"

seeing hsm on ice, twice

cross , # 23 <3

rode a horse for the first time 

michael the coolest Jamaican ever 

zoe and the magician

rocking out to hannah montana 3d with her bestie

going to well over 50 concerts, this year. 

the mosh pit at sydney 

red bulls last show

"these girls are an exception"

meeting calvin for the first time.

being at calvins first show.

meeting mark from TVO kids

round and round with faber

biggest party of the year

being on the red carpet

the cast of degrassi waving to her and emily

seeing sporty spice

the pouring rain, over and over and over.

being in a tornado warning, outside.

the delicious french fries at this restaurant.

screaming to foreign boys

going to the worst show ever

getting seperated from her best friends

getting trapped in a mosh pit

pit bulls

go carting with jenn

scootering in convient stores

that park

meeting him for the first time

getting a job

getting into the jonas brothers dress rehearsal

rocking out to the jonas brothers behind selena gomez

camp rock. hahahaha. 'nuff said

watching her guitar teacher punch a wall

driving to wendys with 2 hott rockstars at midnight

the cottage cheese crew

cats jumping in cars threw the sunroof

private performances in her basement

being the only fan picked to be in the johnstones video

sneaking in her best friends to be in the video too

being in the johnstones music video, period.

'keep flashing. keep flashing. more flashin'

tripping infront of jarek

june 9th.

learning about cancer, really learning.

getting to know him better, for the first time.

watching her gedo be the definition of strength.

lakair lodge, worst trip of her life.

loosing her gedo to cancer

watching her gedo dip his feet into the water

watching her gedo smile until he passed away

her only regret.

hearing everything.

making the cards

elvis, at the hard rock cafe

competions in the maze, and winning.

having her whole family become even closer

her best friend driving 1hour to be at the funeral

smiling, cause her gedo had the biggest crowd.

the line up of cars, over 100, easily.

the fun house

watching her friends band put out a cd. in stores

seeing shiloh.

getting scouted by an agency

ponchos, umbrellas, and more hedley

watching him be the worst he could probably be

birthday pokes and wishes. 

everything that happened at her sweet 16

seeing her cousin from alberta

getting two kittens

long talks by the fire

winning contests

hating the radio

getting a macbook

private acoustic hedley shows

being just a little more fantastic

fan lowdown

jakes bodyguard.

road trips to buffalo

basically everything that went down in batavia

signing the jonas brothers bus

joe, your triceps look huge.

dinner with the johnstones

having awkward talks with rockstars

free sunglasses

getting 'the' phone call

spending so much time with her little cousins

seeing jesse mccartney

watching her idol of 6 years be the biggest diva

stalking tour buses

shuffling in pilons

having his best friend think shes cute

getting on big screens

jonas brothers karaoke

the whole simple plan night

the beamsville fair

mannndduuhhhh kayyy

telling him the truth

letting him down

him being interested in her

getting backstage

getting vip passes

being in the trailer

getting pulled on stage

sneaking in lines

riding on roller coasters with merch guys

dying on the behemoth

being a seat filler

getting backstage, again

forming team yellow

getting on guest lists

private shows

shout outs on stage

the jealous team red.

dinner time with band boys.

the sad goodbye.

saving guitars.

bite the box competitions, and winning

the huge penguin

the best car ride home.

being a little more fantastic.

the messed up book signing

sneaking front row, when theirs seats

yearbook signings

looking like a movie star.

all her halloween adventures

him.

getting into an agency

the photoshoot

suzie mcneils cd release party

meeting adamo from degrassi, twice.

the penguin team yellow shirt

long lines at hedley

boucny ball games, and bad aim

set lists, guest lists, and sold out signs

hedley underwear

'here take my demo cd' - punches in face- 

getting lost downtown st.catharines

walks by the tour bus

more long lines, camping out

more front row, always

disecting a frog

meeting lights,

seeing david archuleta, highlight of the year

going to kissmas bash and all adventures that went along

scalping tickets in the pouring rain

sneaking front row in seating, again

getting kicked out of seats.

fights with radio djs.

endless nights by the radio with a phone in her ear.

reuinited

getting her g1

driving around town.

her best friends.

the year has a few days left, make her smile. give her memories she'll keep forever.

situation overload

i feel the need to lose control. 

1) im done with people trying to make me feel like never good enough. you say im all these terrible things. with no proof to back it up. your stories are mixed up all over. you say one thing. she says another. ive sat here minding my own business, and get dumped on because all you do is lie. ive done nothing but be a good friend. im sorry that i dont take you everywhere i go. get your own ride. actually im not sorry. you knew from the start how i am. thats how ill always be. i know im not half the stuff you say i am. but you can be the judge of that. and if you dont want me in your life, clearly im not losing much anyways. 

2) ITS NOT A COMPETITION. its so different. if thats all im gonna hear. i dont want to hear it. its not my job to sit there and listen. my perspective of you isn't gonna change. im not gonna get down on my hands and knees and think your some god. not even. remember before? just think. when it wasn't like this. just remember. different wasn't it? yeah. thats what i thought. i dont want to hear about it. i dont need to hear about it. and i don't even care. you better be glad things are okay. thats all i have to say. 

3) it saddens me really. ive come to the conclusion that sometimes maybe people don't really have the stuff they say they do. they lack in ways, that they feel the need to live through other people. make it seem like others realities becomes theres. lead others to believe that this really happened. when it fact it didn't at all. maybe its something else. maybe they just cant think. maybe that its fate. maybe you found the person that is your so called twin in life. ha. no. thats not it. i really don't know why. its a scary thought. wondering where this exact sentence could go. on a document? in a book thats on a bedtime book shelf? 

4) i really wish that....   i could talk about everything that is making me lose control. but whose really listening anyways. no one. 

btw. i tried spelling cupboard today. i had spelt is cubbard. cuppard. cubord. and the list when on until i took it to google. try saying it outloud. i dare you. 

i love rock and i sure know how to roll

a strange romance, its just music after all .

we get deeper and deeper with every speaker we blow.

no ones ever loved me louder then you. 

dont stop playing to me baby.

everything is everything

we're both a little crazy in love.

ive found what i'm looking for.

am i to say who's wrong?

who'd have ever thought

we'd be so perfect in harmony

who'd have thought i'd be all you need.

i never dreamed you'd be so good for me.

whose to say that this will never work?

ive sold my soul for rock and roll...

screwing up the best thing ever

is something you'll regret forever. 

remember what you're worth. remember you're worth fighting for. remember you're not a punching bag. remember you're not a doormat. remember you are valuable. remember you are repairable. remember you matter. remember they dont. 

reach out to you, touch my hand

it still hasn't really hit me yet. that i saw my idol live in concert. i know i've seen a lot of people, met a lot of them too. but it was different this time. when i see hedley or faber drive its like im excited, but its not like this. ive seen them before, mulitple times. i can talk to them on a personal level. they've faded from idol status. dont get me wrong. there still me absolute favourite. but when its your idol, its different. ive never been like this with anyone. except maybe the first time i met hedley.  i'd throw it all away for him. i basically did throw all my money away for him. just to see him. i promised myself i would never pay more then $100 on a concert ticket cause i think thats insane. i broke that last night. for him.  $150 gone. i think it came to $400 total for 3 tickets. but it was worth it.  ive been waiting for so long to see him.  i might of never saw him. i didn't even have tickets. drove for about 2 hours to another country. (although new york isnt that big of a deal to me anymore) and ran around looking for a scalper. floor seats. 15 rows back. it was perfect. i cant even comprehend that i saw him. this is so lame. but like this is who i've been waiting for. since american idol. i saw him step on stage. i lost it. i dont know what i would of done if i met him. so in a way its a good thing i didn't meet him. and make a complete fool out of myself. usually i beat myself up if i dont meet someone, cause im sad. im used to it. but last night. i was just so happy that i was able to see him. i was ready to pay for nose bleed seats. so to get floors for your absolute favourite is a feeling you will never forget. i mean ive seen a lot of my favourite bands ; miley cyrus, jonas brothers, metro station, justin timberlake, pink, lil chris, and the list keeps on growing. but they dont compare.  

plus the fact that you smiled and laughed when i screamed i love you while you were fixing your piano. makes it a million times better. people dont understand why i do things for bands. but its reasons like this. moments that will make me smile for days even when it feels like everything is falling apart around you. 

did i miss something?

cause it clearly looks like i did.

whatever. i wont waste my time on you.

i have more important things.

your not comming back. 

she shall remain nameless

how could you feel so threatened.

by someone you like to ignore.

your always pushing and shoving.

your assets in their face.

life is not a competition

if it is. youve lost the race.

this is getting ridiculous 

theres a lot i dont get.

i dont understand how you just get up and leave.

i dont understand how you except me to consider you a friend.

i dont understand how you think you do nothing wrong

i dont understand why your mad that im happy

i dont understand why you only like me for what i can get you

i dont understand why you copy everything i do

i dont understand why people lie

i dont understand why people doubt everything i do

i dont understand how you do that over and over and over

i dont understand why you did that to me

i dont understand death, cancer and every related to that

i dont understand age

i dont understand me

i dont understand why you betrayed me

i dont understand why people live so far

i dont understand why familys fight

i dont understand alcohol

i dont understand how you always cause fights

i dont understand why you make up stories

i dont understand why people think there better then others

i dont understand you

i dont understand girls

i dont understand boys

i dont understand life.

thanks again.

for basically summing up my entire life in one sentence.

" 'nothing bad is happening to me.' doesnt make sense anymore. "